TITLE: Someone's in the Kitchen with Weasley

AUTHOR: Jade Okelani

EMAIL: jade@vanishingscroll.com

WEBSITE: http://www.vanishingscroll.com/okelani/

RATING: NC-17 (Really, NC-108 because no one should read it, EVER)

CATEGORY: Humor/Parody, First Time

KEYWORDS: Ron/House elves

SPOILERS: No.

DISTRIBUTION: Dear God, if you want it, take it.

DISCLAIMER: Are you kidding? I don't own any of it, ANY of it. No one will claim this poor little story, but it had to be done.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thanks (I suppose) to Sarea for challenging me to write this never-before-seen-the-light-of-day-nor-should-it-ever-again pairing. Also to She Who Wishes Not To Be Named for beta and the fabulous title. She doesn't even care, yet she still betas; that's love. The story goes: at restrictedsection.org, in the search by pairing field, they give two examples of fic: Harry/Draco and Ron/House-elves. When you search for Harry/Draco, many, many results are found, and you are quite satisfied. When you search for Ron/House-elves, however -- there is NOTHING. It is a travesty of man and nature, not unlike this fic.

SUMMARY: What do the house-elves do after dark?

~

"You know, Winky," Ron said in the kitchen one night, his voice gruff with the lateness of the evening, "You're the only one who's ever understood me. The only one who never made me feel like I was always in someone's shadow."

"Yous could never be in Winky's shadow, Sir," Winky said sincerely, laying a hand over his arm. "Winky is only three feet tall."

Ron laughed. "Oh, Winky. It's your sense of humor I love the most."

A breathless moment passed between them, and then Winky leaned toward Ron just as he leaned toward her and their lips met softly. Things soon became heated and they fell off the bench they'd been sitting on in the kitchen. Winky being three feet tall posed a bit of a logistical problem at first, but in the end, true love conquered all.

While the actual coupling posed a problem, Ron soon found that Winky's height difference only simplified matters when it came to oral sex.

"All right down there?" he asked one night while he was leaning against one of the kitchen cabinets, pants down around his ankles.

"Winky is just fine, Sir. Thank you for checking on Winky, Sir. You is too kind, Sir."

Things progressed nicely in this manner for several weeks, until one night, something most peculiar happened.

"Winky," Ron wondered as she performed her usual oral duties, "have you done something different with your hair?"

"I is not Winky, Sir," he heard from two feet down, "I is called Dippy."

"Wha--?!" Ron squeaked.

"It is all right, Sir," Winky said as she walked across the counter near Ron's head. "Winky thought yous might be thirsty, so Winky was just making yous some pumpkin juice." She set the glass down where he could reach it. "Is Dippy pleasing yous, Sir? Because Dippy is an awful slow elf. Winky tried to show him how yous like things, Sir, but Dippy is awful slow."

For a moment, Ron thought to be horrified -- but then Dippy did something with his tongue that made Ron reconsider whether being slow was all that much of a handicap after all.

"It's all right, Winky," Ron said as his eyes began to glaze over. "Good show, you, for thinking of -- Gaaaaaaahh!"

After several more assignations, Ron began to wonder if two house elves were better than one, wouldn't it stand to reason that three might be better than two? Or, for that matter, four?

"Well, yes, Sir, of course Winky has sisters, Sir, all house elves come from big families, Ron Weasley, Sir."

"And do they live at the castle?" Ron asked, his eyes beginning to glaze over again. Dippy was doing something with his hands.

"The twins do. Would Ron Weasley like Winky to get Pearida and Bix?"

"YES!" Ron cried out.

Harry and Hermione grew concerned with Ron's behavior after a few weeks. He'd stopped focusing on his studies all together and spent an inordinate amount of time in the kitchen.

"Must be starving, poor bugger," Harry noted.

"Hope he hasn't got a tape worm," Hermione added. "Or something a good sight worse."

"Probably just a phase," Harry pointed out, "like last year when he couldn't get enough Chocolate Frogs."

"He's such a little glutton," Hermione grumbled.

"This is Bix," Winky said, pointing to the elf on her left, "and this is Pearida."

"Very nice to meet you," Ron said, a little speck of drool dotting the corner of his mouth.

"What does Ron Weasley need us to be doing, Sir?" Pearida and Bix asked in unison.

As Dippy led him over to a nest of pillows well concealed from prying eyes, and Winky began to unfasten his clothing, Ron nearly wept for how grateful he was for those loveable house elves.

The End