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Teaser:

Three guys clearly on the Crack, wearing ski masks, rock out and wait in a red vehicle. They are apparently waiting for a 15-minute "window" to open. There's a prosthetic arm in the backseat of the car. I don't know why, but surely it must have some significance, because -- that would be awfully random if it didn't. They clamber out of the car and we switch to what we really care about -- Lex.

And, unfortunately, Chloe. She's interviewing Mr. Luthor while Clark plays cameraman. She's also getting a little more hard-hitting than Clark had intended. Lex calms the boy of steel:

LEX: Our critics are our friends -- they show us our faults.

Chloe lets us know that it's a Benjamin Franklin quote. Lex is hot.

An urgent phone call comes in for Lex and he departs the room, leaving Clark and Chloe to do a little snooping. Chloe disappears and Clark looks confused. (I've found that this is his natural state.) As Clark wanders off to search for Chloe, the three Crack Heads from earlier materialize in the room. They're apparently interested in a vault that is hidden behind the walls of Casa De Luthor.

They're concerned about having only "five minutes" as they pillage the joint. Jewels, artifacts -- and a small diskette.

Clark has found Chloe and is admonishing her about snooping. Chloe is convinced Lex is just going to blow them off and they begin packing up their interviewing equipment. The Crackheads have Clark in a chokehold and he seems to be legitimately struggling, which must mean one thing -- yep: Kryptoni--er, I mean, the meteors in their veins.

One of the thugs grabs Chloe and she's doing a commendable job of fighting him off until she's thrown through a window. She screams for Clark as she hangs precariously from high atop the ground . . . and then she falls to her death. Okay, probably not, but a girl can dream, can't she?

Somebody saaaaaaaaaaaaaaave me . . .

Act I:

Chloe is unconscious in a hospital bed. A guilty-looking Clark (nearly as common as a confused-looking Clark) sits in the room. Lex enters and assures Clark he's got the best doctors from Metropolis on Chloe's case. God, Lex is *so* hot. He's delivering the bad news that Chloe's case is iffy to Clark and the audience. Then, he delivers the line I've been waiting for: "Clark, it's not your fault." Clark doesn't look as guilty here as he normally does and I'm almost disappointed.

The attempted robbery is brought up and Lex explains away the lack of report by the media in a vaguely evil yet straightforward manner. When Clark says he wants to help find the people who did this to Chloe, Lex warns him away and suggests Clark get some rest. There's a pretty score playing over this scene.

Oh! Look! It's Lana! Hi, Lana.

She's chasing after Whitney, which is the most annoying thing about her character. Whitney is acting like a distant jerk, which is pretty much his character staple. It's a mercifully brief scene and we rejoin Clark in the family barn, chopping wood with his hands.

Jonathan points out that they need firewood, not toothpicks. Martha and Jonathan serve as moral support, as well as exposition, as we learn that Clark did, indeed, feel the meteors the night before, though he couldn't tell from where. Martha kicks Clark in the ass and gets him motivated to hunt down some clues as Jonathan sets up a big hunk of wood to do things right.

Nell is cleaning out the old theater of all her junk. Lana joins her and I'm suddenly overjoyed -- ecstatic. Because:

LANA: I still can't believe you're selling this place, Nell.
NELL: I can't believe your sudden interest in the place.
LANA: My parents met here, this place means a lot to me.

Lana then inquires about the buyer, thinking she might be able to talk them into keeping the theater a theater and Nell explains that it's Lex Luthor. Lex Luthor. That means Lana is going to talk to Lex during the course of this episode. Wheeeeeeeee!

Meanwhile, Clark has apparently dragged Pete, who I'm convinced is only in the show because he was in the comic book, into the investigation into what happened at Lex's place the other night. Pete serves as the voice of reason as Clark uses his x-ray vision to stare deep into the heart of the savings and loan, spying -- Ooo, I was right -- the prosthetic arm from earlier.

The three Crack Heads (Meteor Heads?) are doing research in their psychedelic pad. They've got bright green tattoos on their arms, but they appear to be fading. The disk they stole from Lex's seems to prove that Lex has tapped into Lionel Luthor's computer system and the Meteor Heads seem to think this is primo blackmail material.

Cut to Lex looking awfully sexy and stern as he barks out commands to his private security firm over the phone. As he hangs up the receiver, the three Meteor Heads (once again wearing ski masks) appear. Taunts and not-so-thinly-veiled accusations are tossed around until the MH tire of it and punch Lex in the stomach. Apparently, his fast-talking, neutral expression reads like bullshit to them. Go figure.

MH threaten some more and give Lex a cell phone so they can contact him with it. Lex gives us another delicious piece of foreshadowing:

LEX: You have no idea who you're dealing with.

Cut to Clark shopping in the store where Whitney works. We discover why Whitney's being a pissy little shit this week -- he's lost his scholarship and is fretting over becoming just like his dad, stuck in Smallville with a bad heart. Clark is being amazing sweet and sensitive, especially given the fact that he's in love with the asshole's girl. Sigh. Oh, Clark.

Gasp -- the MH are in the store and they know Whitney. Apparently, they're admirers of the way he moves. On the football field! Dirty minds. Eventually, the conversation turns to the party the MH are having at their pad later -- they invite Whitney and with a smidgen of cajoling, he's in.

And what a party it is. Loud music, alcohol, tons of chicks -- clearly, this is what the psychedelic pad was designed for. The MH apparently in charge brings Whitney into the back room where they keep the big, scary tattoo-bed. Green glowing tattoos are apparently an initiation into the group. After a token protest, Whitney's in, but I warn you: this tattoo scene is in no way as erotic as the one Scully undergoes in 'Never Again.'

Cut to an underpass where the MH are partying with Whitney. They've clearly consumed too much alcohol as they shove Whitney over the edge just as a large semi comes barreling down. Oh my God, first Chloe, now Whitney -- this is the best episode of Smallville EVER.

Oh, drat. Apparently the tattoo they'd given him allow the truck to pass right through Whitney's body, leaving not so much as a scratch. The MH hoot and holler with glee as Whitney looks straight into the camera, stunned.

Commercial break: Kristin Kreuk is pushing acne medicine already. God save us all.

Act II:

Back to Chloe's hospital room, and damn it, she seems to be coming around. Clark stands in her doorway holding a dozen red roses and yes, Chloe is definitely back. Worried friends and family members have adorned Chloe's hospital room with roses and she's especially fond of the ones Lex sent -- they make her feel like she's won the Kentucky Derby.

Surprise, surprise -- Clark is sorry. For letting Chloe get hurt. Chloe agrees, and adds:

CHLOE: I'm also mad that you didn't put out the Chicago Fire of 1871, or prevent the fall of the Roman Empire, making you directly responsible for the Dark Ages.

That gets a smile out of Clark, and a smirk out of me and the conversation is firmly steered toward the plot. Chloe doesn't remember much, but says something fairly prophetic herself:

CHLOE: Clark Kent, investigative reporter. Has a nice ring to it.

Clark then kisses her forehead (and I can practically hear Chloe scream NOT THE FOREHEAD! THE MOUTH!) and leaves to do . . . .whatever, I don't really care, because Lex is on the screen and he's with Lana so really, my focus is there now.

They are descending the stairs at the Talon theater and Lana is idealistically detailing her childhood spent at the movies.

LANA: I spent every Saturday of my childhood here, eighth row center. When the lights went down and the screen flickered to life, the problems outside these doors just disappeared. It was like being transported to a magical place.

Lex is less than impressed with her sentimentality and asks why any of this should change his mind. She's hurt and he's a little bit ruthless and I'm a little bit sick for digging him so much in this scene.

Lana admits that the real reason she wants the theater saved is because her parents met there and that she needs something to hold onto. Lex explains that this is business and the quickly changing town needs a parking garage; mentions that she hasn't given him a reason to change his mind.

I think that Lana could change his mind if she really tried . . .

But since this isn't fanfic, we cut to Whitney behind the counter at the store, an urgent Clark rushing up to him, asking about the guys who were in the store the other night. Whitney is distant, wearing dark sunglasses. Clark grabs his arm (which is odd, considering he never touches Whitney) but the motive soon becomes clear as Whitney winces in pain and his brand new green tattoo is revealed. Whitney orders Clark out of the store.

Lana arrives in Clark's "Fortress of Solitude" and Clark questions her about how Whitney's been lately. Lana is concerned but not overly so until Clark informs her that Whitney lost his scholarship. Lana gives their relationship the kiss of death by telling him that he's "a good friend." Crushed, Clark pulls out a photograph of the MH he pilfered from the Torch, explaining that they "were Whitney" six years ago. The motive for the MH is revealed as Clark exposits that one of them got injured, and the other got caught up in drugs, which is why they're so bitter and angry now. Plus, you know, the Meteor Tattoos.

The conversation segues into Lana's meeting with Lex. She explains that, although she was hurt and angry earlier, she now wonders if Lex was right -- that she hadn't given him a good business reason for his decision. Clark gives her another angle:

CLARK: Maybe it wasn't a rejection, maybe it was a challenge.

YEAH! MAYBE HE WAS JUST CHALLENGING HER!

Ahem. Sorry. Anyway.

Lana says that her main challenge is Whitney (gag) and Clark says there's still a chance for him. I disagree, but I know nothing, because I still don't understand why Whitney's in the opening credits.

Speaking of, Whitney has just climbed into the red vehicle that belongs to the MH. Lex is stupidly (not something I normally say of him, but really, Lex) entering a meat locker, carrying a briefcase, on the orders of the MH. He wonders aloud if anyone's there, and the music scares me. If this were a horror movie, he would be so dead right now.

The MH (plus Whitney, also in a ski mask, and getting antsy) demand Lex open the case and give them the money. One of them reaches through the case with his creepy powers and notes that it's empty. Lex was counting on the empty briefcase to keep him alive, which might make sense if the people he was dealing with weren't insane.

And I'm right, as one of the MH starts choking Lex. Whitney runs forward, trying to stop him, but is held back until Clark bursts through the door just in time to get a meat hook to the face. Fortunately, it won't leave a mark.

Act IV:

Whitney is being balled out by the MH for his defection. The MH who choked Lex claims to have "put the fear of God" into Lex. I snicker. Tensions are mounting within the group as they get closer to their big payoff. The main MH (i.e., the one with all the lines/action) goes to bat for Whitney, then tells the kid he'd better not make him eat his words.

Lex has driven Clark home (or somewhere . . .) and Clark confronts him. Lex admits that he was being blackmailed and that he went to make a drop. Clark looks a little crestfallen.

LEX: You're wondering if your father's been right about me all along, aren't you? They stole a computer disk that contains confidential information.
CLARK: What was on it?
LEX: Nothing illegal. But it's not something I want in the public domain.

Okay, so I don't think he's lying here. But he's still not being entirely above board with Clark. Oh, this is going to destroy their friendship. And it's such a beautiful friendship.

LEX: Clark, you can't save the world. All you'll end up with is a Messiah complex and a lot of enemies.
CLARK: I saved you, didn't I? That turned out all right.

SOB

Then Lex gets all ruthless again and I get distracted from my heartbreak by drooling. He revs up his car and drives away.

The next morning (I can tell, because it's day now) Clark walks in on Pete and Chloe apparently arguing over whether Chloe should over-tax herself while in hospital. Chloe is going stir-crazy and has been surfing the 'net after Pete hijacked the phone line for her. Chloe (who MUST be some relation to Lois Lane) has figured out that the MH are using meteorite tattoos to move through solid objects. She further explains that that kind of strain on the body will eventually kill them.

Cut to Lana at the Talon, looking for Nell. Instead, she's scared by Whitney who looks all sweaty and freaked. They embrace, and I am clearly a heartless bitch, because I am moved not at all.

Lana apparently calls Clark, because the next scene involves Whitney giving the details to both him and Lana. Whitney guesses that Lex's stolen disk is probably still in the psychadelic pad, and Clark and Whitney agree to get it out while the MH are still crashed out.

At the pad, no one's home, and Clark uses his x-ray vision to locate the disk before they get back. Disk in hand, Clark and Whitney head toward the exit, but nothing is ever that simple in TV land, and they are confronted by the MH. They ask for the disk, and Clark uses his super strength to crush it in his hand.

As punishment for this, the main MH shoves his hand through Clark's gut and does something extremely painful and unpleasant to his insides. Clark falls to the floor, and the main MH tells Whitney he's next.

Cut to -- a commercial for "Sorority Boys" starring Michael Rosenbaum. Oh, Lex.

Two of the MH escort Whitney toward what is surely his doom. (Inside my head: Wheeeeeeeeeee!) Clark tries to talk his way out of death with another of the MH. Claims he knows what happened to the guys arm at the bank; tells him he's going to die. The MH assures him that he's going to pay. And then he falls to the ground, unconscious.

Lex steps out from behind the wall with a Taser. Go Lex! He's got a cute little "Heh" look on his face that really makes me see how much fun he's going to be evil, even if it does break my heart. Then Lex tells us that Lana called him to go save Clark and Whitney and it makes me kinda happy. Although, another part of me is like -- who does Lana think she IS? Is Lex Luthor just at her beck and call? Of course, given that he *went*, maybe he is . . .

Clark is determined to find Whitney and Lex finally calls in the police because it's apparently gotten serious enough for him to risk everything to make sure no one gets hurt . . . sorry, I'm back now.

The main MH is threatening Whitney with having a rather heavy looking hunk of car dropped on his head. Whitney looks like he's ready to piss himself as Clark walks in and orders everyone to give it up. Main MH tells the other MH to drop the car, even though he's still holding onto Whitney, trusting on the green in his veins to save him. Oops. Window expired. Wouldn't wanna clean up that mess.

Clark saves Whitney with his super speed, though. Damn you, Clark. Damn you.

Afterwards, the cops are on the scene and Clark and Lex are talking. Clark wants to know what Lex told the police.

CLARK: What did you tell the police?
LEX: The truth. Those guys broke into my house, and that you and the quarterback figured it out, tried to be heroes, and got in over your heads.
CLARK: What about the . . .?
LEX: Walking through walls part? I don't think the cops could handle that much truth.
CLARK: Sorry about your disk.
LEX: I didn't come out here for that, Clark. I came because my friend was in trouble.

Then, fading out on that heartfelt moment, Lex slinks over to the police car and leans in to the remaining MH and darkens noticeably:

LEX: Just remember, boys -- you keep my secret and I'll keep yours. <He stands up, then returns to the window again> And if you don't, you'll find out that you're not the only ones who can reach through walls.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is why Lex is the BEST ONE.

Cut to Lana, Chloe and Clark walking down the street as Chloe threatens to do an expose on hospitals. Her Inquisitive hat is on as she goes to check out the lack of dye found at MH headquarters, leaving Lana to fret to Clark that Lex is early for their meeting. Sweet Clark/Lana exchange that I just can't get invested in because they are SO doomed.

Downstairs, Lana thanks Lex for coming and he confesses to being surprised by her call. Lana is prepared this time and offers up a business proposal:

LANA: Small towns across the country have revived their old downtown's, returning them to the social center they once were. They didn't do this by building cookie cutter malls, or parking garages. They did it by restoring the great old buildings that were already there, turning them into cafes, bookstores, restaurants.
LEX: You want to turn The Talon into a café/bookstore?
LANA: It could also be a venue for local bands and art house movies. If you look on page 12, I found out you can register the building as a historic landmark, which gives you certain tax benefits. Just don't ask me to explain them.

The look on Lex's face is almost smug, like he'd wanted this from her all along. She has answers for every single one of his questions and concerns and she makes good, business sense.

He then casually answers that he's in and gives the episode its final line:

LEX: I think this could be the start of a very interesting partnership.

Indeed it could, Lex. Indeed it could.

We are left with a look on Lana's face that is caught between elation and sorrow as Remy Zero causes me to ponder the meaning behind "Perfect Memory."

The End