----------

Previously on Smallville: Lex was hot; Clark was conflicted; a reporter, Roger Nix, witnessed Clark's freaky powers (including his spaceship); Lex and Clark coyly flirted; and they tried to make us care about Lana and Whitney's boring-ass relationship.

Oh, and there was a huge tornado that threatened the lives of all Smallville's residents. The Magnificent Bastard (AKA Lionel Luthor) is pinned beneath a Really Heavy Thing, while his only son decides whether he lives or dies. Lana's life is genuinely threatened (did I keep a straight face?) as she's sucked up into a tornado, and Clark rushes to save her.

If I've forgotten anything, I'm sure we'll pick it up as we go along.

So, lots of wind, whoosh, whoosh, gust, gust, debris flying around, and Lana oh-so-conveniently gets face down on the floor of the truck so that she won't clearly see Clark when he climbs in after her and covers her body with his. (Sounds like the sort of thing Clark's been having wet dreams about, doesn't it?) Round and round they go, and we cut to what we've *really* been waiting on pins and needles all summer to learn the resolution of -- Is Lex Really Super Evil Yet Or Not?

Not, it turns out, as he cries "Dad!" and rushes over to save The Magnificent Bastard, who pleads things like "I'm your father!" and "Son!" in a somewhat contrived manner. Lex's act of heroism may for naught, however, as an Even Heavier Really Heavy Thing falls down on TMB and we cut to Papa Kent chasing Reporter Boy down in the forest. I think there's something about a tape that could destroy Clark's life if PK doesn't get it back. Um, doesn't he know that you shouldn't go running around in the middle of a tornado? Have we, as a society, learned nothing from "The Wizard Of Oz?"

Apparently not, as a house literally drops down on top of them at that moment.

Cut to Clark, who has just spread Lana out on the ground (another wet dream, if only she'd been conscious at the time) and begun calling her name desperately as we pull back to see the devastation the tornado has wrought.

Cue theme song; oh, how I've missed it.

Wheeeeeeeeeee! No Whitney in the credits! Oooo, and he's been replaced by TMB. Niiiiiice.

Next up, a bustling ER filled with a lot of hurt people. Tornadoes suck. Clark rushes in with an unconscious Lana, bellowing about how he needs help; hello, Clark, everyone in the hospital needs help. Don't be so freaking selfish. Besides, aren't you worried that your PARENTS could be DEAD?

He is, I guess, because he zooms out of the hospital before Lana wakes up and asks how he got her out of that flying car and heads straight for the Kent storm cellar. Mama Kent is apparently alive and well, thus capable of warning Clark that Papa Kent is out there . . . somewhere.

Back at the hospital, Lionel is on an operating table, and a doctor is telling us and Lex that the prognosis seems grim. Lex begins posturing like he's a multi-billionaire or something but then he pulls out the big guns and attempts to make me cry:

LEX: I want him medivac'd to Metropolis General immediately. I want a team of specialists--
DOCTOR: Your father's still in critical condition, moving him would not be--
LEX: This isn't just any patient lying there, Doctor!
DOCTOR: I know who Lionel Luthor is, but I cannot give him any special treatment, we're overwhelmed as it is--
LEX: That isn't what I mean. He's my father. Do everything you can for him.

TMB hoarsely calls for Lex, and it seems like a tender moment between father and son. NOT!

LIONEL: I saw it. In your eyes, son. What you were thinking. Life would be so easy if I was out of your way.
LEX: Dad . . . I'm sorry.

Life According to Lex: When you've just considered letting a family member die instead of helping them, apparently it isn't an insult to say you're sorry. Good to know.

In more uninteresting news, Clark and Mama Kent are racing around trying to find Papa Kent, but to no avail. Blah, blah, Papa Kent is trapped beneath the house with Reporter Boy. Proving just how moral and righteous he is, Papa Kent saves Reporter Boy without hesitating like Lex did. Yes, Smallville people, it's very subtle, but we somehow picked up on it.

Back at the hospital, Lana is visited by Chloe, who seems concerned that Lana should stay in bed awhile longer. Lana says a lot of other people need it more than she does, and is ready to pack up and get out. Chloe gets Lana to tell her Tornado Tale and Lana seems remarkably calm for someone who was just sucked up into an F4 and spun around a few hundred times. Some pointed remarks about Clark, AKA, The Boy They Both Dig, are talked around, and it all rings rather hollow to me so I'm going to leave it at that.

Meanwhile, back at Clark's Fortress of Solitude, Lex has arrived, having heard about Papa Kent's disappearance from Mama Kent. Lex shares his own pain about his father's injury, then unloads his conscience on Clark, by 'fessing up to his hesitation during crunch time. Clark seems unconcerned by this moral indiscretion of Lex's, as any real friend would be, and instead seeks out to console Lex that he did the right thing in the end, and that his father will understand.

LEX: My father won't see it that way. Forgiveness is not in his emotional lexicon. If anything, he'll probably see me saving him as a sign of weakness.
CLARK: What are you gonna do?
LEX: Help my friend find his dad. Got another flashlight?

OK, all together now: Awwwwwwwwwww.

Cut to an X-Files moment as Clark and Lex go wandering around in a dark forest armed with nothing but flashlights. Then blood drips on Lex from on high. I wonder if the sky has begun to bleed, like in his dream from Hourglass, but no, it's just a car stuck in a tree. But not just any car -- it's Reporter Boy's car. Lex recognizes it, but doesn't let on to Clark, suggesting they split up in order to cover more ground.

Papa Kent has apparently found Dracula's old candelabra and is wandering around with it. There's a lot of posturing between him and Reporter Boy about how it's not right for Clark's life to be ruined, he deserves to be normal, no, he's unique! He belongs to the world! Then, Reporter Boy makes a crack about Clark not being human and Papa Kent pops him one, right in the kisser. Yeah, cuz that's the first thing I do when I'm trapped underground with an irate father I've been afraid is going to kill me -- try to piss him off.

Lex calls Reporter Boy's cell phone, and when Papa Kent hears Lex's name, he goes into an insane fury, destroying the phone (AKA, their Only Avenue Of Escape) because apparently, he'd rather die than accept help from Lex Luthor. Nice, Papa Kent; smart, like your son.

Clark overhears Lex saying Reporter Boy's name (Which I believe is Nixon, like the president) and calls Lex on all the lying he's been practicing lately. They have a lover's spat about honesty, but I'm beginning to think it's really suppressed feelings and confused sexuality. Clark storms off in a huff without letting Lex explain, and we cut to commercial.

Ooo, Harry Potter trailer. ::zones out::

Is it November 15th yet?

Oh, that's right, Smallville review. Right then. Back.

The Talon has been turned into a relief shelter of sorts. (I know that's what Sarea and I think of it as now -- relief from the lack of onscreen Lex/Lana interaction.) Papa Kent is still nowhere to be found, and his picture has gone up on the incredibly sad "Missing" bulletin board. Instead of resting, Lana is lending a hand after the disaster, repaying, in some cosmic way, all the help she got after the meteor shower. It seems our girl is suspicious about her dramatic survival and questions Clark about it. He lies to her face and she doesn't seem to buy it as readily as usual. You go, girl.

Clark begins blaming himself again (oh, how I've missed "Everything's my fault, ALL MY FAULT!" Clark), this time because Papa Kent may be dead because he was trying to protect Clark's secret. Mama Kent does diligent mothering duty and we shift back to Papa Kent and Reporter Boy trapped like rats.

Blah, blah, the people have a right to know, blah, blah, you're not thinking about the consequences to my son, blah, blah, Clark is the answer that people have been waiting for, blah, blah. Then Papa Kent lays down an ultimatum: he knows a way out, and he wants the tape before he'll give it up. It's Reporter Boy's choice -- his life, or his story. Reporter Boy apparently cares more about his life. He hands the tape over, and Papa Kent destroys it. Then he shares his plan for getting out -- they're going to dig their way out. Oh yeah, he's a genius, that Papa Kent.

An angry Clark tries to brush past Lex, who was clearly waiting for him, leaning all sexy against his car. Lex explains his association with Nixon and really makes me believe that he was just trying to protect Clark.

CLARK: You know, Lex, I don't know what to believe anymore.
LEX: Believe that I'm your friend.

*SOB*

Then Lex whips out a map, explaining that there's only one cell tower the tornado didn't knock down, and since Nixon's cell phone worked earlier, that means he and Papa Kent must be within a one mile radius. Clark, Chloe, and Pete set out on a search and rescue mission and come across the house that killed the wicked witch-- I mean, the house that trapped PK and RB.

However, the house is lead lined and Clark can't see them with his X-ray vision. Then, in his haste to be rescued, RB panics and nearly gets he and PK buried alive. Ironic, is it not?

Oh, and look, there's a shock: the dirt beneath the house is full of . . . wait for it . . . yes. Green Meteor Rocks.

On that shocking and dramatic note, we cut to commercial.

Back at the Talon, Lana's name is mentioned on TV again, named as survivor of yet another natural disaster. Mama Kent comes over and gives her a hug, because MK can tell when you really, really just need a hug from a mother-type figure.

She and Lana head over to the stairs and start talking about the past.

LANA: For so long, it seemed to define me, that fairy princess picture on Time Magazine. (Yes, Lana, and it always will if you keep bringing it up.)
MAMA KENT: Well, if it makes you feel any better, you made one wish come true that day. Jonathan and I were in Nell's, buying flowers right before the meteor shower, and you were sitting on the counter with your wings and wand. And you asked me if I wanted to make a wish, so I did. And not long after that, Clark came into our lives.

OK, again: Awwwwwww

Mama Kent then shares that she's glad that Lana and Clark have become close. Lana concurs, though she still seems troubled by something.

Next comes an incredibly insipid and contrived scene between Clark and Chloe, in which Chloe suggests she and Clark remain only good friends, obviously hoping he will leap to argue with her, and is incredibly depressed when he doesn't. Clark retains his title as Dimmest Man Alive. Dimmer than a low-watt bulb; able to miss obvious insinuations with a goofy smile.

Pete and Chloe have a conversation where Chloe explains to Pete (and the audience) what just went on between her and Clark. She needn't have bothered; we aren't slow like Clark.

Buried beneath even more earth, Papa Kent is having a heart to heart with Reporter Boy. PK explains that, in the beginning, he and Mama Kent took Clark to see a scientist, someone that might understand him better, but at the last second, Mama Kent grew a brain and realized if they gave him to a scientist, they would never get him back. It's hard to say whether RP is moved by this, as it's very difficult to tell what a reptile is thinking.

The doctors are briefing Lex; he has to decide whether they operate on his father or not. One doctor is for it, the other, against; Lex gives them the go-ahead.

Mama Kent, Pete, and Clark find something (it doesn't matter what) that tells them that Papa Kent and Reporter Boy are probably down in Dracula's crypt, which the motor home that fell on them is covering. Clark zooms down there and starts rescuing his dad, only to be struck down by -- yes, you guessed it -- the green meteor rock.

Papa Kent, who seems rather hurt, tells Nixon to get Clark out of there, that the rocks are killing him. Revealing his true nature, Nixon pockets a meteor rock and drags an unconscious Clark topside; he's got all the evidence he needs right there.

However, before he can escape with Clark, Papa Kent leaps at him like a flying squirrel and begins beating him about the face, as any good father would. Nixon knocks him back, then pulls out a big piece of steel and hits PK in the face with it. PK is down and bloody, unable to move.

NIXON: Like I said, the people have a right to know. And unlike you, Mr. Kent, I am willing to kill for what I believe in.

PK is about two seconds away from a rebar through his torso when a gun goes off. It's Lex! Saving PK again! By shooting the bad reporter man! And, yes, folks, he's left-handed. (I mention that for Sarea's sake.)

PK rushes over to Clark and gets the meteor away from him. Clark's conscious. Lex stands over Nixon's body in a very ominous way, still holding the smoking gun. The close-up they give us on Lex does not bode well for his future as a healthy, well-adjusted member of society.

Commercial. Gap Clothes: If you wear them, you will be rich, popular, and get laid every day.

They have yellow body bags on Smallville, and that's just what Nixon is being zipped up in. Clark calls Mama Kent "Supermom." She *is* Supermom. PK feels like "a house fell on him."

And now the moment in the show that made me scream the most at my TV:

CLARK: Look, Dad, I'm glad that you didn't . . . you know . . .
PK: What? Kill Nixon? Son, I have to admit to you, it's the hardest thing I ever did, it took every fiber of my being, but I started thinking about you, and what your mom and I have tried to teach you. I realized if I'd have done that, Nixon would have won.

Then Clark speaks aloud what I'm thinking:

CLARK: Good thing Lex was there.
PK: Clark . . . Nixon told me that Lex offered to pay him for information on us.
CLARK: Lex told me he warned Nixon to stay away.
PK: One of them is lying, Son.
CLARK: The question you need to ask yourself is . . . which one tried to kill you, and which one saved your life.

YEAH! ::full of righteous indignation::

Not that I can even keep straight anymore who's lied to whom. I mean, Clark lies to Lex every episode; just because he doesn't get *caught* doesn't mean he doesn't do it.

Lex wanders up to them.

LEX: Mr. Kent.
PK: Lex.

::Silence::

LEX: Look-- PK: Lex . . . you saved my life and I want to say thank you.

(It almost killed him to say it. I swear to God, you'd think Lex was trying to get Clark to marry him and PK didn't approve.)

Lex offers PK his hand, in the spirit of "a fresh start" and PK shakes it. Awww. MK and Clark smile on in approval. It's so hard when your dad doesn't approve of your boyfriend.

Finally, we move back to poor, sad, pathetic Chloe, deleting prom pictures of her and Clark together like she caught him cheating on her or something. It's not as DIRE as she makes it out to be. In the end, she can't delete them permanently, though. Wimp.

Clark and PK are walking near the farm, and Clark opens up to PK about how he felt during the tornado when he saved Lana, and -- dum, dum, dummmmm:

CLARK: Things were bouncing off me; I didn't have any control. I know it could have been the wind, but all of a sudden, I was moving toward the truck and it felt like I was willing myself to do it. It felt like I was flying.

The Magnificent Bastard's hospital room. He's wheezing "Lex" the way Darth Vader always wheezed "Luke." Lex has been sitting in a chair. The doctors, apparently, wouldn't tell him what was going on, per TMB's request. He shares that he will most likely regain full use of his legs.

TMB: I need to say something to you. If I've acted ruthlessly it is because I knew my opponents wouldn't hesitate to do the same. I know you've always seen us as opponents. Lex, when I needed help you saved my life and I thank you, son.

(I'm very touched at this point. TMB is clutching Lex's hand. However, I am also incredibly wigged, because the Devil is just NOT this nice.)

TMB: Listen . . . I know you agreed to go right ahead, right away, to operate.
LEX: I thought it was best to take immediate action.
TMB: I would have done the same thing. And we both would have been wrong.
LEX: What are you saying?
TMB: I'm blind. The operation failed and that's not going to change. It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me . . . die.

And now Lex is recoiling from his father. TMB is croaking out his name, holding his arm out to him. Lex turns his back and seems unable to cope with, not only the knowledge that his father is blind, but also the weight of misplaced guilt. Oh, poor Lex.

Back at the Fortress of Solitude (which doesn't have very much solitude, given the almost constant stream of visitors Clark has there) Lana pays Clark a visit and they start talking.

CLARK: Can't wait for things to get back to normal.
LANA: It won't.
CLARK: Why do you say that?
LANA: Nell used to tell me that after the meteor shower. (There she goes, referring to it again.) But these events change you. Wipes out your illusions. You discover things about yourself.
CLARK: What'd you discover?
LANA: I've always had the sense that I was going to die young. (You will, Lana; and you will bring about the destruction of Clark and Lex's friendship in the process. Good times, good times.)

After rambling on for a minute, Lana drops a really good bombshell:

LANA: Then I saw you in the truck. And you put your arms around me and you told me that everything was going to be okay. I know, sounds crazy. But I started to think of all of the other times that you'd been there. Maybe there's more to Clark Kent than meets the eye.

And then she just stares at him for a long, long time, and I can hear her in my head, saying "Go on, tough guy; lie to me. AGAIN." Which, of course, he does. He agrees that it sounds crazy, and insists that there's nothing more to him than what she sees. Lana tries to get him to tell her the truth again, and he lies to her face. Again. Then he tries to lie to us by saying that maybe she wasn't meant to die young, when we all know she is. Stupid Clark. Lana delivers the last line of the ep:

LANA: Just remember . . . you can't hide out here forever.

Cut to the cornfield, as a catchy pop song (I know, how unusual for a WB show) plays over the action. In the middle of all those ears . . . rests Clark's spaceship that flew away at the end of Vortex.

The End