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TEASER:

We open on a Lex Luthor that we've never seen before -- a beaten, tied, hung-upside-down Lex Luthor, alone in a dark, dank room. He still retains a lot of arrogance, however, as the door opens and he demands that the room's new occupant let him go. Lex asks what the new guy wants.

Flash to a club -- bright lights, funky music, and a big line outside that Lex is cutting right through, a cute girl -- Amanda -- on his arm. The letters at the bottom of the screen tell me that this is Metropolis, three years earlier. A bouncer working the door tries to block Lex from entering, and Lex seems amused by this. One of the bouncers that obviously knows him let him through, and Lex slips him an unidentified amount of money.

Lex and the bouncer have the following exchange:

BOUNCER: She's cute.
LEX: She's engaged.

More shots of the club, and the girls dancing in glowing spheres. Lex inquires about the VIP room and slips the bouncer what is clearly $100 bill.

Lex and Amanda head upstairs to the VIP room and fill the audience in on the fact that Amanda is only with him because her fiancé was busy and Lex has taken it upon himself to keep her entertained. She fondles a matchbox cover heavy with irony -- the name of the club is Zero Consequence -- then spies a man, sitting with two women who I'm sure he is not giving business advice to.

An understandably bitter Amanda rips off her engagement ring and hurls it at her *ex*-fiancé -- and I admit, I like her spunk. Ex-Fiancé glares hatefully at Lex.

EX-FIANCE: You son of a bitch. You did this on purpose!
LEX: You did it to yourself. Amanda deserves better.

A sobbing Amanda pushes through the crowd, pursued by a concerned Lex. Just as Lex reaches the girl, Ex-Fiancé jumps him from behind, sucker punching Lex in the gut. Lex hits back and they tussle. All the flashing lights are trying to give me a headache so I won't notice what else happens in the scene, but I'm so onto them.

EF pulls a switchblade out of his pocket and stabs Lex in the shoulder. Lex's Bouncer Friend whips out a nine millimeter and shoots EF dead as Amanda looks on, horrified, and a really cool song helps add to Lex's hotness.

The camera does a neat shift thing and we're back in the dark, dank little room with the strange, creepy guy yelling "LIAR!" at poor, upside down Lex.

STRANGE CREEPY GUY: That's what it said in the papers, but that's not what really happened.
LEX: It's the truth! Read the police reports!
SCG: I know you covered it up! I don't know how you did it, but you're gonna pay.
LEX: Who are you?
SCG: Don't you remember? You killed me.

And as his face comes fully into the light, we realize that SCG is really EF!

He cocks the pistol of a gun, aims it at Lex--

SCG/EF: Daddy can't save you this time, Lex.

--and fires. The shot echoes loudly and--

Somebody saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave meeeeeeeeeeeee . . .

ACT I:

A bright day out in front of Smallville High. The letters on the screen let me know it's one week earlier. One week earlier than poor Possibly!Shot!Lex, not one week earlier than the club, which was three years (or, I guess, two years, eleven months, and three weeks) earlier. Clear? Clear. Clark's saying something to Chloe and Pete, which means I couldn't possibly care less, but for you, I try.

Complaints of hunger pangs and randomly assigned schoolwork partners are tossed about, and it is revealed that Chloe is to write a six-page biography on Mr. Dim himself, Clark Kent. Investigator Girl is all psyched over her assignment, determined to unearth a skeleton or two in Superboy's closet. The idiot grin on Clark's face allows Pete and Chloe to assume (correctly) that Clark got Lana as an assignment.

CLARK: I've been helping Lana over at the Talon getting ready for the grand opening.
CHLOE: Oh, that's nice, the surrogate boyfriend does the heavy lifting while Whitney works at his dad's store.

I'll give Chloe this much: She says the things out loud I would have thought of to snark in my "reviews."

(I use the air quotes for "reviews" because . . . well . . . really, have you been reading?)

Clark dodges Chloe's attempt to nail him down on a time to conduct their interview, and we switch to the Talon (which doesn't look *nearly* as cute on the surface as *our* Talon, but I quibble) where Lana is freaking out to a contractor over time constraints.

CONTRACTOR: You resurrect the past, you get the problems that come with it.
LANA: Lex Luthor is going to be by later; he's going to need numbers and a timetable and a better explanation than that.

As she tries to stave off a nervous breakdown, SCG/EF does that annoying thing bad guys do in the movies and is suddenly standing behind her as she turns. He says he's interested in the assistant manager position, introduces himself as Jude Royce, and he's scarily reminding me of a young Kevin Bacon and someone else I can't place. Not that you care. But if anyone reading has any idea where this guy's from, drop me a line, wouldja?

Jude makes mention of Lex Luthor and drops that he used to know him "a lifetime ago" in Metropolis. Then, when Lana looks interested in news of Lex's past (Hmmmmm), he warns her that when Lex is involved, "things usually turn out badly."

I hardly think that's true, but I choose not to quibble at this time.

Lex arrives in front of the Talon, and is startled by the bouncer from the club flashback (who's no longer in the flashback, but standing right in front of Lex, just to be clear). The bouncer's freaked, explaining that he saw Jude -- a dead man -- that he's "stalking" him. Lex spies Clark and slips the bouncer the keys to his Metropolis apartment, ordering him to lie low. He then jogs over to Clark, who inquires about the bouncer. Lex lies (Oh, Lex) and tells Clark it was nobody and the two of them enter the Talon.

Lana looks distracted and admits to being a "little weirded out" by the man who'd just warned her to stay away from her partner. (And for that, he surely must die.) She shows Lex the piece of paper with Jude's name on it and Lex gets really, really quiet. But not like, peaceful quiet. That scary kind of quiet a volcano gets just before it blows. He speaks (still quietly) deliberately, asking when Jude left. Lana answers that he just did and Lex races out front to scan the sidewalk.

Clark emerges from the Talon and asks Lex who Jude Royce is. Lex shakes off his disquiet and projects his air of calm indifference, assuring Clark that whoever Lana met in the Talon today was not Jude Royce. He climbs into his car, flips on the ignition, and nearly breaks his eardrums and mine with the song that made him look so much hotter earlier pounding much too loud -- interspersed with the song is someone saying "killer" over and over.

Doing his x-ray thing, Clark finds the CD player taped to the bottom of Lex's dash and instructs Lex where to rip it out from. Lex chalks it up to being an elaborate practical joke and firmly tells Clark to butt out as he squeals away.

The Kent farm. The cows are mooing. Clark enters and sees Chloe is sitting with the Kents at the kitchen table. God save me from this scene.

Deciding that Clark would not make time for her interview, Chloe went straight to the source and has apparently been grilling Jonathan and Martha about Clark's adoption. She wants to know about the process, and the panic on Martha's face is almost comical. Mercifully, Chloe's tape recorder runs out of tape and the Kents are left to ask Clark inane questions like "Chloe's researching your life for a school project?"

May I say, DUH?

Clark then learns that Jonathan and Martha fudged the details of his adoption because, well, "He fell from space and we decided to keep him" really doesn't sit well with the authorities.

Chloe hurries back in with a fresh tape and as Clark turns to leave, she asks him frankly (Another admirable quality -- damn, she might be growing on me a little; if only she weren't SO obnoxious, I might like her) if he's avoiding her. Clark promises to give her the interview tomorrow and leaves. Chloe wonders to Jonathan and Martha if Clark has always been this strange.

Martha's eyebrows rise and Jonathan looks sort of constipated.

Lana and Clark are walking down the sidewalk and Clark's asking her how it feels to bring the Talon back to life as Lana straightens the "OPENING SOON" sign on the front window.

LANA: It's nice, you know? Being counted on, having responsibility. They treat you different.
CLARK: Like you won't break.
LANA: I finally feel like I'm shedding that fairy princess costume.

They stare at each other with these googly eyes and their nice moment is shattered by Lex's oncoming car, music blaring, headlights glaring. (I love him so.) They ask what he's doing there and Lex explains that the contractor called with an estimate and asked to meet him there.

The threesome (Heh) rushes inside and finds the contractor with a bashed-in head on the floor. He explains that he didn't get a look at the guy who did it as Clark notices a big, wrapped box with a bow on top on the counter. Lana rushes to call the police and Clark and Lex approach the box. The card on the box is a reproduction of the matchbox from the teaser, and the irony is just a bit sharper now -- Zero Consequences.

Inside the box is Bouncer Guy's severed hand, easily identifiable by the ring on his pinky, the letter K in diamonds.

ACT II

Back inside the Talon, Lex is talking to a police officer, apparently giving his statement, and Lana is sitting, alone, until Clark approaches her. The Talon is now a crime scene and he wonders how she's holding up.


LANA: What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that?
CLARK: I don't know. But I've never seen Lex so freaked out before.
LANA: Join the club. That guy warned me. He said everything Lex touches ends badly. How much do we really know about him and his past?

As if on cue (I know, I know), Lex walks over to them and offers his apologies and assurances that "this" won't affect the grand opening. Lana bitterly remarks that they'll be infamous before they even open the doors and stalks away.

(Let me have just a moment to absorb the subtext before we move on. Clark and Lex are talking, and I love it when Clark and Lex talk, so I really want to give it my full attention. Okay. I'm good now.)

Clark wonders if Lex knew who the hand once belonged to (Lindsey McDonald! I scream out before I can stop myself. No one laughs and I doubt that would be any different if I weren't totally alone in my bedroom doing Smallville recaps) and Lex admits that he did, a long time ago, in Metropolis. His name was Max and I feel slightly guilty for referring to him as Bouncer instead of Lex's Friend since Lex seems genuinely upset that he's dead. Oh well. I'm not going back and changing it.

Their talk continues, Clark asking if Lex has any idea who'd want Max dead. Lex has no idea, and Clark pushes -- perhaps Royce? Lex is sure it couldn't be Royce -- finally admitting to Clark that Jude has been dead for three years.

Jump to school and Chloe and Pete are walking down the halls, Chloe pumping Pete for Clark Dirt. Pete slurs Lex for things his father did, and I hate him with a fiery passion even though I barely notice his existence. Chloe is begging for a small piece of information from Clark's deep, dark past, and Pete finally spills, I suspect, just to shut her up.

Pete tells a story from way back in the day of Clark ripping an older bully off of poor, defenseless six-year-old Pete, then slamming the bully practically through the wall. It was a demonstration of super strength and Pete still can't explain it. As this fascinating conversation goes on, we enter the Torch office and Clark is printing out the front-page story concerning Jude Royce's death three years ago.

The moment Pete leaves, Chloe goes right into Super Investigator Mode again, telling Clark that she's done all kinds of research on him, going back into the adoption records to discover that that the agency that handled his adoption was only in business for six months, and that Clark was the only child they ever placed. An angry Clark rips Chloe a new one and points out that this is a class assignment and she needs to get a grip.

He is, of course, just covering for the fact that he's a freak of nature and he doesn't want anyone to know about it; but Chloe's just a freak, period, so I'm with him on this one.

In a large warehouse-like gym, Lex is viciously beating a punching bag (Mmm, sweaty Lex) as he debriefs his head of security on everything to do with Jude Royce and the cleanup that went down in Metropolis. Royce was an only child whose parents died when he was young, leaving him everything. Lex hasn't spoken to Amanda since that night and he orders his head of security to find her and warn her that she might be in danger. He's really sexy when he gives the order, too. That's probably biased, but it's my "review," so I don't care.

Another vicious hit to the punching bag and we're knocked back in time approximately two years, eleven months, three weeks and one day ago.

Amanda is sobbing over Jude's body as a paramedic checks him out. She makes eye contact with Lex who is clutching his hurt shoulder, stunned and worried, but more outwardly calm than any stabbing victim I've ever seen. He has a hard time looking away from Amanda as the crooked cop, Fallon (from Rogue) enters the scene and orders the truth from Lex.

Now it's a flashback within a flashback as we *finally* see what happens, from Lex's perspective:

Royce pulls the knife, stabs Lex -- Lex grabs Max's gun, they struggle for a moment, and Lex shoots Royce.

Fallon tells Lex how it's going to go down:

FALLON: You were never here. Your name will not appear in any papers, or on a police report.
LEX: How?
FALLON: That's what your daddy's money's for. This one's gonna cost him.
LEX: What about Amanda?
FALLON: I'll take care of everybody's story. But you are never to see her or talk to her again.

He then gives Lex a slip of paper and tells him to see this guy about his shoulder; no emergency rooms. Lex looks a bit defeated as he walks away from Amanda without a word. Fallon approaches Max.

FALLON: You see what happened?
MAX: Most of it.
FALLON: Well smile, 'cause you're about to come into some serious money.

Another cut and we're back to Lex beating the punching bag. He stills for a moment, and a gun enters the frame until the mouth is pressed against the back of Lex's head. Lex slowly turns and comes face to face with Jude Royce.

Royce wants to know what happed at Club Zero; what the cover up was. He mentions Fallon's death from Rogue and notes that Lex was involved in that, too. Lex wonders why Royce doesn't kill him now. Royce answers with a vague, psychopathic excuse and again demands to know what really happened.

However, Clark was wandering around outside and picked up on ominous voices. He rushes in and Royce disappears pretty damn fast, because by the time he gets there, Lex is alone, visibly shaken and trying hard not to show it. Lex asks what Clark is doing there, and Clark explains that Lex's office told him he was there. He crosses to a bench and sits down. Clark tells Lex what he learned from the article in his hands -- but that he can't figure out what it has to do with Lex.

LEX: Please, Clark, for our friendship -- I'm asking you to stay out of this. Some secrets are better left alone.

It's refreshing to see TV characters actually doing the mundane tasks the people they play would have to do in real life -- therefore I can't be too mad at them for making me watch Jonathan feed the barnyard animals while he and Clark talk. The usual anti-Lex spiel is heard and Clark throws some of Jonathan's own words in his face. I enjoy that.

The subject is changed to that of Chloe's school project and Clark mentions what she found out about his adoption. Jonathon explains that the process was a really tough one, and apparently it's okay to lie and conduct shady business practices so long as the end result is the adoption of a child. Damn that Jonathan's hypocritical hide; damn it.

Then, the sound of silence grows too loud for Jonathan and he and Clark rush over the hill to discover a field of cows. Dead cows.

ACT III:

Yet another crime scene out at the Kent farm. This time, there's bubbling oil and LuthorCorp canisters scattered everywhere. Not the most subtle frame job I've ever seen, but it'll certainly do the trick. Men in yellow HAZMAT suits roam the grounds, and Chloe is capturing the entire escapade on video tape. Lex arrives on the scene and -- God love his brave little soul -- approaches the angry, devastated Kents.

LEX: Mr. and Mrs. Kent, I have no idea how this could have happened, but I'll do everything in my power to find out. And I'll pay for your livestock, of course.

Jonathon starts ranting about Lex and money and then he storms off in a huff and I'm glad, because he wasn't onscreen long enough for me to build up a really powerful case of Jonathan Rage, and now Clark and Lex are talking and I must calm so I can once again pay attention.

LEX: I didn't think it was possible to fall any further in your father's eyes; obviously I was wrong. <beat> You know I'd never intentionally allow anything like this to happen.
CLARK: Does this have anything to do with what happened at Club Zero?
LEX: I think so.
CLARK: You need to tell the authorities everything you know. This isn't just about you anymore.

Clark walks off in much less of a huff than his old man and a sheriff informs Lex that he needs to talk to someone official. This someone, however, is just Jude Royce in a C.E.P. cap and he tasers Lex into the back of a van. No one notices. Idiots.

Later, in the Kent kitchen, Clark is on the phone leaving yet another message for Lex. He's been unable to track his friend down. Martha enters and leaps comfortably on the Anti-Lex bandwagon, which means I have no use for her now, either. Just to prove that Clark was raised by a couple of hypocrites, let me note for you the following exchange:

MARTHA: Until this is cleared up--
CLARK: Mom, Lex has always been a good friend to me.
MARTHA: I know that, Clark, I'm usually the one who defends him, but -- there are some things in his past that are a little shady.
CLARK: I thought in this family we don't look at the past.

Yes, they don't, unless Jonathan and Martha don't like the guy.

(Yeah, yeah, I'm bitter; and yeah, yeah, I know, they're his parents, they're looking out for his best interests, they're being *good* parents, blah blah -- I just don't care. I love Lex. Since Clark and I are all he's consistently got, and even Clark has a certain loyalty to his parents -- well, *someone* has to get Lex's back. That's all I'm saying.)

Martha then asks Clark to "cool it off" for a little while with Lex, and the whole rest of this exchange makes it sound like Lex is Clark's older, dangerous boyfriend. I kept waiting for Martha to ask if they'd been using condoms.

Cut to the Fortress of Solitude. Chloe has apparently decided to make amends with a still-bitter Clark. She apologizes for the Adoption Ambush and, after some additional groveling -- and Chloe's promise to drop the story -- Clark accepts her apology. Chloe inquires -- off the record -- about Clark's biological parents, and he admits that he thinks about them every day.

Chloe then spots the article on Club Zero lying on Clark's table, and Clark proves himself to be Son Of Hypocrites as he admits that it's part of Lex's past that Lex asked him to stay out of. Chloe is not pissy about this, like I would be, and instead seems amused. Eh, she's back in my hate column again. Just 'cause it's fun to hate everyone but Lex and Lana.

In the "convenient picture Chloe just happened to snap but didn't know it at the time" moment of the week, the pictures from the clean-up site earlier show Jude Royce alive and well and the music swells as we--

--Cut back to poor Upside Down Lex. I guess the week is over now. We only see him for a minute, struggling admirably, even though he's trussed up better than Houdini after the death.

Back to Chloe and Clark, who still can't get in touch with Lex. Chloe hacked into the DMV database and learned that Royce is going by the name John Smith. So, really, not the most creative man around.

Cut back to Upside Down Lex. Royce enters and once again demands the truth about Club Zero.

And another cut, this time to Clark discovering a crime scene in Metropolis -- his x-ray vision identifies the stiff on the stretcher as Max. He asks the cop about Club Zero, who informs him that the club shut down about six months ago. The cop does, however, give Clark the club's former address.

"LIAR!" Royce lies again, and we are officially back to the teaser as Royce whips out the gun. A shot sounds and--

Lex is still alive. But Royce is not. And behind him is . . . the contractor from the Talon.

He walks forward and pushes a hand-held remote, bringing Club Zero to life, bright lights, pounding rhythm and all. He gets right up into Lex's face.

CONTRACTOR: No more games, Lex. It's time for the truth.

Poor Lex is still upside down.

ACT IV:

Contractor Guy raises his gun, fires it at the chain securing Lex's legs to chain attached to the ceiling, and Lex is upside down no more. He hits the ground hard and appears to be in quite a bit of pain. He's still all sweaty, though, so I'm kinda happy. Lex recognizes him as the contractor from the Talon out loud for the members of the audience who don't, and Lex demands to know who he really is. Amanda's brother, apparently, a resident of Central City. (I love comic book names.) Contractor Guy is very bitter, having been in prison because he didn't have a rich daddy to keep him out of jail. Amanda was his sole contact to the outside world and now he wants vengeance for Amanda.

It seems Amanda killed herself a year ago and Contractor Guy has had a burning hate-on for Lex ever since.

LEX: I never knew.
CG: That's because you cut her out of your life. She was never the same after Club Zero; Jude's death devastated her.

Turns out, the Late Jude Royce (the one lying in a pool of his own blood in Club Zero *now*, not the one lying in a pool of his own blood three years earlier) was in fact not Jude Royce at all, but a cook in some greasy spoon Amanda's brother just happened to spot; he was a dead (pun intended) ringer for the real Royce. And so his idea for revenge was planted shortly after Amanda's death.

Finally, Lex is worn down:

LEX: You were right! You were right. The newspapers, the police reports, what I told Fallon . . . they were all lies. You want the truth? I'll give it to you.

Flashing lights. The club. Royce stabs Lex. Max shoves him away and pulls his gun, Lex looking on, stunned. A random guy in the club knocks Max down and his gun goes skittering across the floor. Then, suddenly, a shot is fired -- by Amanda. She and Lex share an intense look as she starts sobbing and drops the weapon.

Cut back to a totally in denial Contractor Guy, accusing Lex of twisting the story again.

LEX: That's what happened! That's what happened, Amanda pulled the trigger, she shot Jude, I was just trying to protect her!

CG drags Lex up off the floor, furious and deranged. Lex tries to talk his way out of death, but CG isn't listening.

CG: You can't escape your past, Lex.

Then, he fires a shot that shatters the glass fish tank (I think it's a fish tank; it's rectangular and it's filled with water that cascades over the edge of the railing) behind Lex, sending him over the edge of the railing to the club below. Fortunately for Lex, Clark enters the warehouse (just in time to saaaaaaaaaaave hiiimmmm) and that super cool special effect where everything goes in slow motion to illustrate how fast Clark is moving makes an appearance. Clark tosses a couch beneath the falling Lex, takes out CG upstairs, and arrives back down before Lex knows what happened.

Lex yells for Clark to watch out, there's a guy with a gun up there, and Clark indicates the passed out CG.

CLARK: What happened?
LEX: I have no idea. How did you find me here?
CLARK: With a little help from my friends.

And now I'm singing the Beatles tune. I get by with a little help from my friends . . . I get high with a little help from my friends . . .

Ahem. Sorry.

Opening night of the Talon. Wheeeeeeeeee! This scene has special significance for me, you'll understand, being that it's *opening night* at the *Talon*.

Clark meanders in and spies Lana talking with Whitney (who, praise the Lord, had such little to do in this ep that I haven't ragged on him once). As soon as she sees Clark, however, she ditches him and the blonde they were speaking to and beelines for the boy of steel. Then Clark, who I'm convinced gives the world's best gifts, presents Lana with a black and white photo he found in his parent's attic -- a shot of the Talon from decades gone by to hang above the counter.

CLARK: How does it feel?
LANA: Terrifying. Don't tell anybody.
CLARK: Your secret's safe with me.

Oooooo, overt subtext.

Lex approaches Clark. Lex looks quite fetching in his suit and tie. Though I definitely would not be happy to see them making it a habit of putting ties on Lex. In fact, I'd like to put out there right now that they might like to try having Lex walk around shirtless. You know. Just to see how it went.

LEX: I get the feeling you're avoiding me, Clark.
CLARK: I just realized there's a lot I don't know about you.
LEX: Worried my dark past is going to rub off on you? *off Clark's look* I was trying to protect Amanda. My father wouldn't have raised a finger to help her, but I knew he would do anything to save his only son.
CLARK: So you took the fall and everything was covered up. Is that really what happened? Is it the truth?
LEX: The truth is, I'd do anything to protect my friends.

Man. How does he manage to be touching and ominous at the same time?

Meanwhile, Chloe is staring at her computer screen while someone I can barely believe is Kid Rock is crooning the most beautiful piano ballad over the end of this episode. Her decision is difficult -- delete her little manifesto on Clark, or save?

She saves.

Oh, somebody save *me* from the Chloe Angst.

The End